How to Prevent People (Friends, Parents, Partners, Employers) From Limiting our Desires—Without Threatening Such Relationships

 by Christy Whitman

Variety is the spice of life.

It’s funny how we have no trouble accepting this concept when it comes to the variety of flavors in the foods we enjoy. But somehow this principle becomes infinitely more complicated to embrace when applied to the differences between ourselves and the important people in our lives.

 Let’s imagine a couple of quick examples:

 ·      Nowadays, your idea of a perfect vacation is a total retreat, unplugged from all forms of media, in a place where there is plenty of natural beauty to explore and absorb. However, your dearest friend and travel buddy would prefer to partake in window shopping by day and fine dining at night. 

·      The most fulfilling part of your job is having quality interactions with your clients, in order to enhance the value that your company provides for them. Your boss, on the other hand, values quantity over quality, and insists that you meet a monthly quota for making new client calls. 

·      You’ve learned through experience that an “early to bed, early to rise” lifestyle brings out the best in you. Your partner, on the other hand, is a confirmed night owl who is always trying to tempt you into staying up late.

At first glance, finding a middle ground between these differences can feel impossible, like trying to incorporate hot sauce in a recipe for lemon cake. But unlike the ingredients of a cake, which have to be exact for the recipe to work, there are infinite ways to go about fulfilling the desires that you hold dear to you. And, it’s absolutely possible to fulfill your desires without stepping on the toes of the people in your life who are dear to you also. 

Tip #1

Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want

When two people have conflicting desires, what’s common is to go to work to sway the other person over to our side.  In the case of the examples above, you might try to talk your spouse into going to bed early, convince your boss that customer satisfaction is the path to faster growth, and maybe even question the friend who values retail therapy over nature.

But maybe you’ve noticed:  Resisting another person’s point of view never leads you to what you really want, because what you resist persists. The more reasons you list for why you’re right and the other person is wrong, the more likely they are to amp up their case and defend their point of view.    

The number one problem we create for ourselves when we try to get others to see things our way is, in the process, we take our eyes of our own goal!  Our focus shifts from the experiences we desire to create, and onto the obstacles we perceive are standing in our way of fulfilling those desires. 

So, instead of focusing on what the other person wants that you don’t, focus only on what you want.   And the fastest way to do this is to search for what I call the “essence” of your desire.

Tip #2

Connect with the essence of your desire

Behind every desire you could possibly have – whether it’s big or small, material or intangible, superficial or deep – is a longing to experience a certain feeling.  

Put simply, you don’t want things simply for the sake of having them.  You want them because you believe that by creating them, your life experience will be changed, improved, or enhanced in some meaningful, pleasurable way.

To uncover the essence of any desire, you need only ask yourself one question: Why do I want it?  The answer to this question will lead you behind the particulars of the situation you’re embroiled in, to reveal the essence of your desire.

For example, if you desire an unplugged vacation or a really good night’s sleep, what is the essential feeling you’re truly reaching for?  If you sit with this question for a moment, you’ll soon realize that what you really want has nothing to do with a particular travel destination or a particular time you go to sleep and wake up. By seeking the essence of your desire, you realize that it is a quality of experience that you’re truly reaching for. 

And once you know that it’s a quality of experience – a particular energy or vibration – that you’re craving, you can begin creating that experience for yourself, independent of anyone else involved.

Tip #3

Take ownership of your emotional/vibrational state

There are two fundamental ways you can approach life. You can approach it as a spectator, where you simply observe the actions of other people and react to them or you can approach life as a creator, and decide in advance how you want to feel and how you want to respond. 

The fact is, your ability to fulfill your desires does not depend on the agreement of anyone around you. It depends only on your ability to connect with the essential emotion or vibration you want to experience, and then channel your attention and energy toward cultivating that vibration. 

This means that rather than looking to an outer condition – a particular bedtime or vacation destination, for example – to produce a certain experience within you, you begin to source the experience you want from the inside.

 You might ask yourself, questions like, “What actions could I take right now to feel more rested and recharged? Then listen within for the answers.

You might hear that you need to take a break from whatever you’re doing and stretch or do some simple yoga poses. Maybe you’re drawn to wash your face, to step outside, to put on some music or to take a walk. You always have the ability to shift your energy and your perspective, and when you make this shift, everything around you shifts too. 

So, the next time you find yourself at crossroads with someone you care about, remember that the differences between you are simply adding emphasis to something that you desire. Focus on the desire, rather than the differences, and cultivate the feelings you believe you will experience when that desire is fulfilled. By keeping your energy around your own energy pure, you help to facilitate the unfolding of the best possible scenario not just for you, but for everyone involved.

Christy’s next article “What the Happiest, Most Successful People Know (and Do) About Their Personal and Professional Desires”  will be published on February 26, 2021.

This article can be shared with the below social media buttons

Thank you for sharing!