Deconstructing Anxiety
The Journey From Fear To Fulfillment
by Todd Pressman, Ph.D.
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making me happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and, as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch I’ve got to hold up for a moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
G.B. Shaw, Man and Superman
Each of us wants to live a fulfilled life. We come out of the womb generally expecting to do so. But somewhere along the way, usually starting in childhood, we surrender our goal bit-by-bit to the dictates of fear and anxiety. It may creep up on us slowly, but the sense of “Possibility” where we can spread “wide our narrow Hands / To gather Paradise”, as Emily Dickinson so beautifully described, seems to get progressively buried over the course of our lifetimes. We are, as a culture, profoundly mired in the ways of fear; our collective consciousness seems to have lost its soul.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! The “mighty purpose” that Shaw talks about in the quote above is one of the most powerful antidotes to the anxiety that is running rampant in our society. Anxiety is, indeed, counterbalanced when we have a purpose that fulfills us. Strangely, anxiety is the result of reaching for such fulfillment, but doing so with a faulty strategy: we incorrectly believe that keeping our eye on anxiety, on that which could rob us of our fulfillment, is the best way to keep our fulfillment “safe”. Instead of filling our minds with the simple joy of the fulfillment, we misplace our attention on that which could threaten it.
That’s why finding a “mighty purpose” is such powerful medicine for our existential angst. Having been buried (but not truly lost) under a lifetime of burdens and responsibilities, the soul cries out for a greater meaning. We long for a deep sense of connection with others and to be released as our true Selves once again. Purpose re-ignites our sense of what is possible, in a world which would too often squash our potential and have us “make do” with the exigencies of life.
There is a new program for personal development, called “Deconstructing Anxiety”, which directly addresses this need for purpose. In the Deconstructing Anxiety model, there are five “core fears”, or “universal themes of loss”, and they are:
1) loss of love,
2) loss of identity,
3) loss of meaning,
4) loss of purpose and
5) loss of health.
These core fears represent our world-view, our way of thinking about and seeing the world, whenever we are less than wholly fulfilled. Resolving these five core fears, therefore, spontaneously opens up the doorway to fulfillment, a fulfillment whose “ingredients” are the opposite of the core fears:
1) giving and receiving love freely,
2) (re)discovering our authentic identity,
3) finding a deep and enduring meaning as well as
4) a high sense of purpose, and even
5) coming to a peaceful acceptance of the loss of health in a way which makes it possible to enjoy life and live in the present moment fully.
The path of resolving the five core fears and transforming them into the five fulfillments is itself a “mighty purpose”, perhaps the most mighty. For our soul clamors for fulfillment above all else, though too many of us, too often, settle for “just getting by”, forgetting that there is a call to something infinitely “more”. When we adopt a mighty purpose, we are engaged in life, moving in its flow once again, surfing the waves of change rather than being pummeled by them. Purpose invigorates the soul with the promise of fulfillment in all five of its areas.
But it is not enough to simply pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and determine to start living a fulfilled life just like that. The five core fears are hypnotic in their effect on us, keeping us staring in a kind of horrible fascination at all the doomsday scenarios we imagine will befall us if we strike out for fulfillment. The most powerful motivation and well-crafted positive thinking simply won’t stand up to the allure of our basic anxiety. No, in order to find a genuine fulfillment, in order for our mighty purpose to be realized, our model says we must first deconstruct--gain deep insight into--the true source of our unfulfillment…the core fears.
And when we do, we make a most remarkable discovery: each of us has bought into a belief system based on the core fears that is completely distorting our understanding of who we are and what the world is all about. The core fears account for the entirety of our suffering, no matter the name we give it: guilt, anger, jealousy, shame, etc. are all different disguises for the core fears.
Therefore, getting our hands on the core fears, deconstructing them successfully and really seeing what has been running our lives behind the scenes, becomes essential if we are to free ourselves for purpose. While each of us has some of all five core fears, there is one that is predominant in our lives, unique to our background, that is the ultimate source of our problems. In the Deconstructing Anxiety program, there is an exercise called “Digging for Gold” which helps us discover our unique core fear. Here’s how it works:
Begin by picking a problem. Any problem will do since all problems, as we will see, will lead to your same core fear. Write the problem in a single short phrase at the top left of the page. On the same line at the top right of the page, write down one of these three questions in response to the problem:
1. Why is that upsetting to you?
2. What are you afraid will happen next?
3. What are you afraid you will miss or lose?
Each of these is a different form of the question “What is the fear underneath this problem?” The answer will bring you one level “deeper,” one step closer to your core fear. Choose whichever of the three questions is most helpful for getting an answer.
Having written down your problem and asked one of the questions, you’ll write the answer on the second line of the left of the page, underneath the first. Again, make sure your answer is written in a short phrase without extraneous detail, and gives a deeper insight into the fear underneath the problem above.
Write whichever of the three questions is most helpful on the second line on the right side, answering with a third-level problem on the left side underneath the one before. Continue this process until you get to the core, and then summarize your core fear in, once again, a short, succinct phrase.
You will know you have arrived at the core fear when asking any of the three questions brings up the same answer over and over . . . you have already arrived at the deepest level and there is nowhere further to go. You’ll also know you have arrived when you get an answer that has a universal, fundamental quality to it, some form of the five core fears we mentioned earlier: loss of love, identity, meaning, purpose, and health. Try to make a direct connection to one of these five—it will help clarify your thinking.
The answer you get will explain the thought system at the very core of your personality, that which is behind every interpretation, judgment and decision you make. Be prepared to discover significant connections about why your life took the course it did, profound “Aha!” moments, as the puzzle pieces come together making sense out of the major, minor, and everyday choices you have made. This can bring a momentous, sometimes life-changing awareness of that which defines your personality, who you “are.” It is often accompanied by powerful emotions, as well as the beginning realization that you are free to choose a different way of being.
In addition to the core fear, there is another concept that is fundamental in the Deconstructing Anxiety model…the chief defense. The chief defense is our primary strategy, our repertoire of behaviors, that are designed to protect us from the core fear. Someone, for example, who is afraid of abandonment (loss of love) might adopt a chief defense of becoming a people-pleaser, believing that pleasing others will secure their good will, providing “insurance” against their abandonment.
It is the combination of the core fear and chief defense that, together, build our personality. Except for those moments when we are fully and joyfully immersed in the present moment, literally every thought we think comes from our core fear’s interpretation of how life can threaten our fulfillment, while every decision we make or action we take comes from the chief defense strategy for how to try to secure that fulfillment. This is why it is so essential that we deconstruct our core fear and chief defense.
Purpose, then, is the natural result of not just gaining insight into our core fears and chief defenses, but realizing they simply are not real. Michel de Montaigne said “My life was filled with terrible misfortunes…most of which never happened”. When we can truly see that our core fear and chief defense were devised from faulty childhood thinking, we spontaneously step back and gain a perspective that frees us from their hold. We no longer feel pulled to obey their dictates and are set loose to pursue our highest good.
Here’s one example of someone who found her purpose after deconstructing her core fear and chief defense: Jennifer was a fifty-two-year-old holistic nurse. She worked in the cardiology unit of a traditional hospital. During our time together, she uncovered a core fear of abandonment and a chief defense of being a nurturer—taking care of others in the hope of feeling the fulfillment of love herself. Of course, her nurturing was a good thing, but she was emotionally exhausted from a lifetime of it, never having let herself receive in return.
In discussing her history with romantic relationships, I inadvertently opened up a deep pocket of pain. Her relationships had always left her bitterly disappointed. She would give and give and, in the end, feel taken advantage of by a partner who couldn’t or wouldn’t reciprocate. Working with the exercises in the Deconstructing Anxiety program, such as “The Alchemist”, “The Witness” and “The Warrior’s Stance”, she began defying the dictates of her core fear and chief defense; she would, for instance, resist the impulse to give until she was sure it was fulfilling rather than draining to do so.
During this time, she discovered her purpose. She came into session one day and pronounced passionately, “I now know what I want to do with my life. My heart has been broken every which way but loose. I want to help heal broken hearts!” She didn’t quite realize the coincidence until I pointed it out . . . that she worked in a cardiology unit! With this, she understood why she had been drawn to that specialty, saying, “I guess I wanted to heal broken hearts from the start.”
After she had fully defined the details of her purpose, she decided that she would seek permission from the hospital to incorporate a certain holistic healing technique in her work with patients. When I saw her the next week, she was positively glowing, the exhaustion of her defenses seemingly erased from her face. The administration had approved her request and she was already using the technique. This enabled her to talk to and connect with her patients in a new way. She was able to sit with them, listening to their emotional pain, sharing her own story as appropriate, and offering what she called “a healing of the heart.”
Todd E. Pressman, Ph.D. is a psychologist, award-winning speaker and international seminar leader. His new book Deconstructing Anxiety: The Journey from Fear to Fulfillment is receiving high acclaim, and the program it is based on has helped thousands of people from across the U.S. and internationally to live happier, more fulfilled lives. For more information, visit https://www.toddpressman.com